phaedie (phaedie) wrote,

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Emotions are the side effects of my life

I sit here and I'm tired and almost falling off my chair because I'm passing out.
I go to bed and my thoughts start racing, I get the mega twitches and electric shocks in my head.
Gotta love side effects.

  • nauseau - nope don't got it, w00t.

  • increased sweating or night sweats - got the night sweats one out of two isn't so bad.

  • diarrhea - nope....phew

  • fatigue - like I wasn't fatigued already, how would I know the difference?

  • fever - oh yes and it's giving my frog belly white complexion a rosy glow.

  • constipation - my bowel movements are fine kthx. :P

  • clogged or runny nose - I am kinda sniffly, I just thought that was the emo kicking in.

  • sleep disturbance - NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!

  • decreased appetite - not so much decreased as I completely forget about the eating thing unless someone reminds me or tempts me.

  • taste perversion - nope when I eat it all tastes right.

  • sexual disturbances - umm the only disturbance I have atm is that I'm not having it. I'm horny as hell but can't be bothered to masturbate, it's just not what I'm looking for atm.

  • difficulties falling asleep - well duh I'm here typing this arent' I?

  • yawning - coz I'm tired and not sleeping?

  • dizziness - yeah weee it's just like having an ear infection without the pain. *shakes head and falls over.:P

  • abnormal dreams - hoo boy are they ever and I can't smoke pot to supress the REM time.

  • electric shock sensations - I really don't like these, not one bit.

  • agitation - I guess sometimes but isn't that normal for me?

  • anxiety - yeah that one is a real bitch.

  • emotional indifference - yet another one I'm not digging so much but in between the anxiety panic attack thingys a little indifference towards what I'm panicking about isn't so bad.

  • difficulty concentrating - yeah that one is another bitch, I haven't finished a book or managed to stay focused on fuck all as of late. :/

  • headache - got one right now thanks.

  • migraine - another kind of headache but not the kind I have (knock on wood), it's a good thing because the only cure I've ever found for migrains is pot.

  • tremors - I'm a seismatic wonder.

That's seventeen out of twenty three that's almost 73%, yaye me I get a passing grade!
In other news I'm still not crying all the time, I'm down to once every couple of days usually for a somewhat valid girly reason like a sucky movie or song. This is positive but I'm really not liking life or being alive so much. No worries on the suicide thing that would take too much effort and concentration. Besides as much as I'm not liking life I wouldn't want to hurt anyone that loves me or miss tomorrow and the chance that something good might just happen.
I'm not moving tomorrow I couldn't find a place that wasn't a basement suite, that wasn't in a sceery area, that would accept my beloved kitties.
I got an offer from someone to take Girly and if I have to I may have to take them up on it but it's really a last ditch plan. I honestly don't know if I could go on without either of the kitties but especially Girly. He keeps me wanting to live and gets me out of bed more days every day.
My sand loach died the other day and it made me sad but he did live for four years and that's pretty good for a fish. It's the first death in the tank in so long I can't recall when the last one was. I'm a good fish keeper. :) Maybe I should call the aquarium and see if they'll give me a job playing with their fish?
The social anxiety is killer, I literally need someone to drag me out and hold my hand or I spend hours freaking out before I go somewhere simple like the corner store.
I can sit and stare into space for hours and not notice until something, usually a kitty jags me out of it. Tiggy has taken to nipping me if I don't pay attention to him. Can't say I like it very much but I do like petting Tiggy way more than zoning out.
My mother still isn't speaking to me as she disapproves of my decision to medicate and feels all I need to do to shake this off is get out, get a job and become a normal human being.
Kinda sucks but it's better than arguing I guess.
I've been challenged to quit smoking again by someone who quit smoking @ AKA because when he quit I said beat my five week record and I'll join you again. He reported tonight that he has hit six weeks tonight and that it's time to join him. He's right and hopefully this time I can pull it off. Not starting now, will finish the pack I have then say fuckit yet again to the evil nicotine.
I don't know what I'd do without my AKA family to support me and tell me I don't suck anywhere near as much as I feel I do sometimes.
Speaking of I finally relented to Jimmy and once again have a regular slot on Thursdays. This doesn't mean I won't be doing my random fills like I have been doing it just means I have to prepare for a show once a week. This could quite possibly be a good thing. Preparing for stuff is something I'm completely lacking in these days.
Lets just hope I can keep paying to keep the internet connected or I'll let Jimmy down and miss my family oh so much.
I have a small handful of IRL friends that I don't like feel right dumping my shit on for various reasons. I don't have a bff anymore coz I made her go away and no one just comes over to hang out anymore.
I know at AKA that I will always have someone to hang out with to support me or to be supportive of.
I'll be honest I haven't even gotten farther than staring at the classified so far as looking for a job goes. I look my head starts to spin, my mind races around with stupid thoughts and I freak out, this usually ends with me going to bed or playing some neopets games.
This is not good I know it but I can't work in the forwarding industry again or in an office situation like the one I just left. I swear I blame a lot of this years mental spaztics on that job. I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up, hell I don't even know if I want to or ever will grow up.
My debt is growing larger and larger most of the time this doesn't freak me out so much anymore. I just sit and watch it like I'm watching someone elses financial future go down in flames.
So much has gone down in flames this year.
I broke someone's heart without intending to.
I was cruel and unneccesarily mean to make them leave me alone.
Karma certainly got me back for that one.
My job died but that's not really a bad thing.
I thought I'd lost my daughter forever and this almost destroyed me.
I started off this year singing the boulevard of broken dreams and it looks like I'll end it that way too.
Hopefully I'll be able to regain that I'm ok with being alone feeling again because it's not so bad.
It's better than settling and I've seen far too many loved ones settle and be miserable with it.
Actually the lonely isn't really getting to me so much anymore, I kinda like being able to walk around naked and do whatever the fuck I want on my terms.
I just need to get over the futile what's the point shit and figure out what the fuck whatever the fuck I want is.

Ok I'm done babbling, Ima stare at my icon and see if it puts me to sleep.
Tags: aka, cipralex, depression

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